Week 2: Theories and boundaries

So this past week we talked about theories surrounding the family, and how boundaries affect families and how they should be.

So the first theory we talked about was Systems Theory which essentially talks about how each family is a system. Everyone has their own role in the family whether it’s provider, protector, caretaker, problem child, babysitter, the clown etc. Where each member helps(usually) the others, and all work together to keep their family together, and to support each other. It’s a system with different parts that work together to make the whole thing work. And it won’t if it doesn’t have all of the parts.

The next one is called the Conflict Theory. Any kind of disagreement or argument can qualify for this one and it talks about how it can either be positive or negative. And after resolving the issue you appreciate the other person a lot more, and have a stronger connection with them. You are also able to grow personally and learn from what you went through only if you don’t keep a fixed mindset about the conflict.

Exchange theory talked about how people only stay in relationships where they are getting something out of it. They decide whether the person is worth going through obstacles they come upon. And they decide what option provides the most benefits, and what they would be most happy with. Or, it could mean that they decide the person isn’t giving enough effort in the relationship, that they’re not getting enough in response to what they’re giving, and then want to end the relationship because they don’t feel valued.

And, the last theory is the Symbolic Interaction Theory. Which talks about how we are shaped by all the experiences we have/go through. Interactions we’ve had with others influenced who we are now. So, basically any meaningful communication between others.

Of course there’s no scientific evidence behind these because that would be hard to measure. That’s why they’re theories. They’ve been observed and people came up with what they saw, however, it’s harder to prove scientifically.

Now, we also talked about boundaries in the family, and different types as well. First, there’s rigid boundaries. These types of boundaries are kinda like how they sound, rigid. They are usually closed off, very clear, but little communication at all between each other. In class we talked about a house surrounded by an 8 foot concrete wall with barbed wire along the top, and only a small metal gate in the front. This would not be the house that throws the parties or has lots of people over. Families with these kinds of boundaries usually don’t have very good relationships with each other. How this usually looks in families is that the kids usually don’t go to their parents for anything, or parents show little to no emotion to their kids or each other.

Poor boundaries are polar opposite of rigid boundaries. In families like this the parents or even the children usually share too much with each other. This would look like a house with no fence at all, where there’s nothing stopping anyone from entering their property. Parents would probably share way too much with their kids about economic, and world problems that they shouldn’t have to worry about. This, like rigid boundaries, can be very unhealthy for families.

The last one, clear boundaries, is the best solution for families. This one is described as a house that has a fence, but more like a white picket fence. Where, it’s not totally shutting people out, but there is still a clear marker of where they’re property is, and what belongs to them. It’s a good mix of the other two. In families this looks like kids going to their parents when they have problems or need help, but the parents do go tell the other kids. They keep each child’s privacy. But also the parents don’t overshare things about their own marriage or financial problems. Another thing is that when a kid goes to one parent about something. That parent will talk with the other about it, so they can together decide how to help their family. The parents should act as one, in unison, to decide and provide for their family.

It’s important to have clear family boundaries so that relationships can be formed, but aren’t ruined with kids having to worry about their parents’ problems. And it’s important to make sure to set clear boundaries with your kids, so they can grow and learn to respect others’ as well. Yes, it’s not always going to work the way you want, but it’s important to try so that the family can continue to grow together. Because after all, you can’t get rid of them.